Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!