Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
I fence-y you.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.