My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Birch, please.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.