What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Better read than dead.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Whatever floats your goat.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.