What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
I like you sow much.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.