I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”