Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!