What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
I love when you coddle me.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
Snow on and snow forth.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!