Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I like your tight end
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.