When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
I always have a souper time with you.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
We've reached the point of snow return.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.