What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
I told you snow.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.