What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
You're one in a melon.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
I'm Claus-trophobic.
"It's wine o'clock."
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.