We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
As it snow happens.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.