The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.