Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Beach you to it.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!