What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
"There's no bunny like you."
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Your love will always be up to par.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Water you doing on [date]?
I pitcher us together forever.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.