Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.