I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
"Be kind, re-wine."
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.