What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
You are spud-tacular.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
We’ll have a ball.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.