I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
She has high elf-esteem.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.