Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.