Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Octopus ocular optics.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated