What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Poor white splash.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
I goat this.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!