What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Deja brew all over again.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
"Be kind, re-wine."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
"I lava you."
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Treat yo'elf.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.