What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.