I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Long time no sea.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
"There's no bunny like you."
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.