I love you so fairy much.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
I find you very a-peeling.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.