Long time no sea.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!