There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
We've reached the point of snow return.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
"I'm nuts about you."
Irish you luck.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.