Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
This is snow laughing matter!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.