You're my purr-son.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
You’re my lucky charm.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."