Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.