Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
I have bean
thinking about you.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.