What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.