Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Your good seed for the day.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
"Will you accept this rosé?"
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Every piece of you is sweet.