My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
We bee-long together.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.