You're acute Valentine.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Don’t be elfish.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.