I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
I only have ice for you.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Best in snow.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.