Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.