My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
It’s worth a shot.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
"Just one hot chick."
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
We’re calling your number.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
In on the ground flora.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
"Stop and smell the rosé."