What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
This foundation is rock salad.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"