I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Just brew it!
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
"Dying to have fun."
Shave a single shingle thin.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.