What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
Can’t pinch this.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Variety is the ice of life.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
By the seat of one’s punt
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.