Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
Air resistance is a real drag.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.