What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.