I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Don't fork-get your manners.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!