Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
I’ll never leaf you.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
We’re in a-green-ment.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Long time no sea.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.