Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
"Eggs love you."
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.