Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
The weather outside is snow joke.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
"For peep's sake."
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Seed between the lines.