What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!